Sept. 8th, 2021
Hi Markie. I was just reading a post I made 5 years ago about how much I love my kids and you replied... "thanks mom I love you too". Then I realized just how much I took for granted, like you would always be here to tell me those things. Oh Markie, I miss you so much. It's crazy, cuz I'm so conflicted. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that your soul is in heaven and that Jesus welcomed you with open arms. I'll bet He's even sat front and center with you at every Metallica concert. And then there's the side of me that selfishly wants you back here, calling me nightly to talk for sometimes minutes and sometimes hours. And, of course, when you'd come to visit... oh Lord, how I wanted you to stay and never leave.
I love you Markie. I'm giving all I've got to make you proud. It doesn't come to me as easily as it came to you. I can't focus on much of anything yet. My heart hurts so bad. You would think that after all the bodily pain I've endured, I'd be able to handle this better. But no, this is something totally different. It's like someone has me by the throat while they're reaching in and tearing my heart from my chest. I open my mouth to scream, but nothing comes out. It's a silent scream that only I can hear and it's the worst sound ever. I keep asking God why... Why He didn't take me instead. Is it because Mattie needs me or is it because this is the worst punishment I must endure to pay for my sins? What happened to saying three Our Fathers and three Hail Mary's as penance? Yes, I know I'm not to question God's reasons, and I pray that He understands why I can't help myself.
Tommorrow marks one year since you passed away. Sometimes it feels like it's been an eternity and other times like it was just yesterday. No matter how long, your brother, sister and I will never fully recover from losing you, Markie. I'll bet you're surprised at just how much you mean to each of us. You are the glue in our family, son. I feel you working with Jesus to keep us together.
I love you all the way up to the sky. Mom
Wednesday, May 3, 2023
Monday, May 18, 2020
Chemo Round 2
I guess I'm a rookie when it comes to this medical stuff. They told me I'm in full remission and then in the next breath they said my summer would be filled with daily chemo and constant visits to the porcelain throne. They better not mess up my July 4th fireworks, because this year they'll be shooting them basically in my front yard! (Fairgrounds)
I'm back in the hospital for the week for IV chemo. On Saturday I'll go home and start a 4 week round of pill form chemo. Then I'll return to the hospital for another week of IV chemo and so on and so forth all summer long. I'm just praying that the chemo kills any chance of the Leukemia coming back and not kill me!
I couldn't be in better hands though. The nurses and CNA's on 9West at Essentia are truly the best. There's not one of them that I wouldn't go to bat for, for any reason. I've come to really know some of them enough to call them friends. Today, one of my favorites came to see me not long after I was admitted. It does a patient good to have those kind of vibes around them.
I'm happy in my element here. The food isn't the greatest, but I haven't lost 30lbs by binge eating after all! Here's to losing a few more pounds this week!
xxxJMBxxx
Thursday, May 14, 2020
This life updated...
Heraclitus, the Greek philosopher said, “Change is the only constant in life.” This is a quote that I have liked in one form or another for quite a long time. In fact, I have decided to add it to my bucket list and have it tattooed on my arm. Over the past few months, my bucket list has become more and more important to me. Not because I'm now 65 years of age or because there's a lot more grey than mousy brown on my head. Wish that there might be. No, it's because for the entire first month of the Coronavirus, I laid in a hospital bed, tubes running into a piccline with two or three different chemical poisons that were hoped to kill a cancer that was attacking my bone marrow.
Today, I am back at home and officially in remission. I will continue to have chemo treatments for the time being and I will keep adding things to my bucket list. I will also wear a face mask when I am in public and wash my hands whenever I should. These things seem so small to me now after what I've been through. After all, I have my son to watch after still. It is he I fought to get well for. God gave me the miracle I asked for and I will not let Him down now. The number one entry on my bucket list? Seeing to it that my son out-lives me and I plan on sticking around for a good long time.
Today, I am back at home and officially in remission. I will continue to have chemo treatments for the time being and I will keep adding things to my bucket list. I will also wear a face mask when I am in public and wash my hands whenever I should. These things seem so small to me now after what I've been through. After all, I have my son to watch after still. It is he I fought to get well for. God gave me the miracle I asked for and I will not let Him down now. The number one entry on my bucket list? Seeing to it that my son out-lives me and I plan on sticking around for a good long time.
xxxJMBxxx
Sunday, January 27, 2019
Life's Tragic Moments
It's so strange how life works. I've come to understand now, that while we're all busy making plans, God is moving forward with His own plans for us.
The weekend before Christmas, my grandson Brandon, my son Mark, and my daughter Amanda, came up to Superior to celebrate the holidays with my other son, Matthew, and me. It was a wonderful time of making memories.
Now fast forward a couple weeks and I've taken Matt to the ER. He was complaining of chest pain, so they did a CT scan. We weren't sure at the time why the ER doctor ordered a second scan, but we soon found out. The CT scan showed a large tumor on Matt's left kidney. The doctor ordered an appt with a urologist, where we learned that Matt had, in addition to the football-sized mass on his kidney, evidence of probable cancer cells in his liver, lung and lymph nodes. Within a few days, biopsies were done on his liver and lymph nodes and we were then sent to an oncologist. That was when our family's world was rocked to it's core.
As I write this, Matthew is in surgery to have a port put into his chest. This will be crucial to his comfort for however long he needs it. Immunotherapy will begin on Friday to hopefully shrink some, if not all, of the cancer cells. My son, my beautiful boy, is in for the fight of his life.
My emotions are as raw as the wind chill outside right now. As the full weight of Matt's diagnosis sunk in, it was somewhat of an out-of-body experience. I could hear and see the doctor, but it was like I was hovering over the scene, watching Matthew and myself.
"Stage 4 kidney cancer" keeps going through my mind, over and over again. I have taken to begging God for a miracle. "Please dear God, help my son! Give this cancer to me instead. Jesus, take the wheel!! Help us, Holy Spirit!"
Prayer is so powerful. Please keep Matthew and our family in your prayers. ♡
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
Homecomings...
Thomas Wolfe wrote: "You can't go home again", and in many ways, that is very true. However, I have come home again, and though my parents, grandparents and some siblings are no longer with us, and many of my childhood memories have been altered over time, I am home, once again, in the truest sense.
There is a familiarity in my hometown that I have never found anywhere else I've lived. The faces of people and the landscape of my hometown may have changed, but the general sense of never feeling out of place permeates my being. There is a comfort in knowing that I still have family and friends here, as well.
Soon after moving back home, my brother and I hosted a small reunion that brought together family from the four borders of our country. It was an eclectic blend of personalities and a vast range of ages (preteen to 90) that promised to keep the party fresh and interesting, and it certainly did that. As one cannot know if it may be the last time this particular group will ever come together again, it made the reunion that much sweeter, especially for some of us "older" folk.
As many people know, my brother, Bill, is battling Emphysema (COPD) and cancer, and is now receiving hospice care. This is the main reason I was intent on moving home so quickly. I needed to be here for him. It has been both a wonderful time and a painful time wrapped together, as one can imagine, but a time that, most of all, I am so grateful for. We are making memories together that two siblings aren't often able to experience... memories that I will have long after he is gone.
In the past couple of weeks, my son, Matthew, and my nephew, Michael (Bill's son), have moved back to Superior, too. It's an amazing support group for not only my brother, but for each of us as well. Tonight my nephew and great nephew, Jim and Chris, are flying in for a few days before they go off to the Packer game at Lambeau on Sunday. My brother and I are so blessed to have all of these young men in our lives.
Tomorrow night, we are hoping to have a bonfire in Bill's backyard. My niece, Carolyn, will join us if she can. These bonfires are something my brother really enjoys, so we may have more than one while the boys are all here.
Over the past two plus months that I've been back home, my days have been filled with settling in and meeting with old friends, too. My friends have made this transition so much easier for me. I can never thank them enough for checking up on me, reminding me to laugh often and giving me a sense of belonging. It's rather foreign to get a phone call everyday from one or another of them and I love it! This kind of thing was not what I was use to in all the years I lived in Iowa and apart from my children and grandchildren, I was pretty lonely down there. I can blame no one but myself for that. It was what it was.
If I have one regret, it would be leaving my son, daughter and grandkids behind. That is the one piece of my broken heart that I feel everyday and I hope they can forgive me someday for selfishly thinking only of myself in making this move. Only time will tell if I did the right thing, but for now I keep reminding them how much I love them and that it is a mere 450 miles between us. Not an insurmountable distance that I plan to close as often as I can.
xxxJMBxxx
There is a familiarity in my hometown that I have never found anywhere else I've lived. The faces of people and the landscape of my hometown may have changed, but the general sense of never feeling out of place permeates my being. There is a comfort in knowing that I still have family and friends here, as well.
Soon after moving back home, my brother and I hosted a small reunion that brought together family from the four borders of our country. It was an eclectic blend of personalities and a vast range of ages (preteen to 90) that promised to keep the party fresh and interesting, and it certainly did that. As one cannot know if it may be the last time this particular group will ever come together again, it made the reunion that much sweeter, especially for some of us "older" folk.
As many people know, my brother, Bill, is battling Emphysema (COPD) and cancer, and is now receiving hospice care. This is the main reason I was intent on moving home so quickly. I needed to be here for him. It has been both a wonderful time and a painful time wrapped together, as one can imagine, but a time that, most of all, I am so grateful for. We are making memories together that two siblings aren't often able to experience... memories that I will have long after he is gone.
In the past couple of weeks, my son, Matthew, and my nephew, Michael (Bill's son), have moved back to Superior, too. It's an amazing support group for not only my brother, but for each of us as well. Tonight my nephew and great nephew, Jim and Chris, are flying in for a few days before they go off to the Packer game at Lambeau on Sunday. My brother and I are so blessed to have all of these young men in our lives.
Tomorrow night, we are hoping to have a bonfire in Bill's backyard. My niece, Carolyn, will join us if she can. These bonfires are something my brother really enjoys, so we may have more than one while the boys are all here.
Over the past two plus months that I've been back home, my days have been filled with settling in and meeting with old friends, too. My friends have made this transition so much easier for me. I can never thank them enough for checking up on me, reminding me to laugh often and giving me a sense of belonging. It's rather foreign to get a phone call everyday from one or another of them and I love it! This kind of thing was not what I was use to in all the years I lived in Iowa and apart from my children and grandchildren, I was pretty lonely down there. I can blame no one but myself for that. It was what it was.
If I have one regret, it would be leaving my son, daughter and grandkids behind. That is the one piece of my broken heart that I feel everyday and I hope they can forgive me someday for selfishly thinking only of myself in making this move. Only time will tell if I did the right thing, but for now I keep reminding them how much I love them and that it is a mere 450 miles between us. Not an insurmountable distance that I plan to close as often as I can.
xxxJMBxxx
Friday, June 12, 2015
Weight loss, separation and going home
Anyone who has done even the slightest amount of networking with me knows that this past year has been a banner one for me personally. The changes going on in my life are huge, to say the least, and all of them are meant to prolong my life, if it's God's will, and to find some happiness that has been eluding me for too long.
Nine weeks ago, I had bariatric surgery and as of yesterday, I have lost 45 pounds since that surgery and 75 pounds in the past year total. I'm so grateful for this new tool I have now to lose the weight that has been hindering my health and lifestyle for so many years. I am more health-conscious now than I have ever been in my life, and as I continue to improve my health, it is also important for me to get my head and heart right as well, in an emotional sense.
That said, Bill and I have decided to separate and I am making plans to move home to Superior later this summer. After 24 years in Davenport, I can honestly say that I have never really felt totally at home here. Superior is my home and it's where I want to be for the time being. I look forward to spending more time with my brother, Bill, and son, Matt, along with my friends who I hold close to my heart.
Our separation is amicable, so you will not be hearing me tell stories of how I've been wronged or hurt. I have been married to this man for 32 years and whatever has gone on between us personally is no one's business but ours. I will say this, however... We had some good years together and that, along with the fact that he stepped up and was as good a dad as he could be to our children, will always deserve my respect.
As much as I look forward to returning to Superior, leaving here will be very difficult for me. My son, Mark and daughter, Amanda, and her family... my grandchildren, Adrianna, Brandon and Erik, will no longer be quite so much a physical part of my life. Thank heaven I know well the road that will lead me back to them now and then and I hope they will use that road as well.
It's a big step for a 60 year old woman to take on her own, but I'm ready for it. I'm hoping to become involved in promoting my hometown, possibly getting back to bowling and working on my family genealogy again. Most importantly, I want to spend as much time as I can with my brother. A few days just wasn't enough for me when I was there a couple of weeks ago.
So, start inboxing me on Facebook with your phone numbers if you'd like to get in touch when I'm back home. I truly cannot wait to see every one of you and catch up on everything I've missed all this time. I'll let you all know when I've settled in!
xxxJBDxxx
Nine weeks ago, I had bariatric surgery and as of yesterday, I have lost 45 pounds since that surgery and 75 pounds in the past year total. I'm so grateful for this new tool I have now to lose the weight that has been hindering my health and lifestyle for so many years. I am more health-conscious now than I have ever been in my life, and as I continue to improve my health, it is also important for me to get my head and heart right as well, in an emotional sense.
That said, Bill and I have decided to separate and I am making plans to move home to Superior later this summer. After 24 years in Davenport, I can honestly say that I have never really felt totally at home here. Superior is my home and it's where I want to be for the time being. I look forward to spending more time with my brother, Bill, and son, Matt, along with my friends who I hold close to my heart.
Our separation is amicable, so you will not be hearing me tell stories of how I've been wronged or hurt. I have been married to this man for 32 years and whatever has gone on between us personally is no one's business but ours. I will say this, however... We had some good years together and that, along with the fact that he stepped up and was as good a dad as he could be to our children, will always deserve my respect.
As much as I look forward to returning to Superior, leaving here will be very difficult for me. My son, Mark and daughter, Amanda, and her family... my grandchildren, Adrianna, Brandon and Erik, will no longer be quite so much a physical part of my life. Thank heaven I know well the road that will lead me back to them now and then and I hope they will use that road as well.
It's a big step for a 60 year old woman to take on her own, but I'm ready for it. I'm hoping to become involved in promoting my hometown, possibly getting back to bowling and working on my family genealogy again. Most importantly, I want to spend as much time as I can with my brother. A few days just wasn't enough for me when I was there a couple of weeks ago.
So, start inboxing me on Facebook with your phone numbers if you'd like to get in touch when I'm back home. I truly cannot wait to see every one of you and catch up on everything I've missed all this time. I'll let you all know when I've settled in!
xxxJBDxxx
Saturday, June 6, 2015
Time Flies
If there's only one thing we learn as we grow older, it's that time flies. One year ago, on June 3rd, 2014, I made the decision that food was not going to rule my life any longer. I sought out information on low carb, sugar-free, healthy eating plans and never looked back.
If someone had told me, one year ago today, that I would not only be going to the gym twice a day to workout, but actually looking forward to it, I would have laughed in their face. I'm beginning to understand now how some people actually become addicted to exercise and though I doubt I will ever achieve that, (and quite honestly, it's not one of my goals), I do love the rush I get when I finish my abs routine or step off of the treadmill.
This path has been the most difficult labor of love I have ever walked in my entire life. Were it not for my children, grandchildren, brothers and friends, I would not be writing this now. They (you) have lifted me up when I didn't have the willpower to move forward myself.
It's been a momentous year, with many steps forward on my path and a few that went backwards, but without each and every one of those steps, I don't believe I would have the confidence to do all that I am able to do now.
I have several more goals to work on, and I'm excited about achieving each one. Only hard work and the will to move forward will get me there. Oh, and staying happy... that is something I simply have to do everyday..
xxxJBDxxx
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