Sept. 8th, 2021
Hi Markie. I was just reading a post I made 5 years ago about how much I love my kids and you replied... "thanks mom I love you too". Then I realized just how much I took for granted, like you would always be here to tell me those things. Oh Markie, I miss you so much. It's crazy, cuz I'm so conflicted. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that your soul is in heaven and that Jesus welcomed you with open arms. I'll bet He's even sat front and center with you at every Metallica concert. And then there's the side of me that selfishly wants you back here, calling me nightly to talk for sometimes minutes and sometimes hours. And, of course, when you'd come to visit... oh Lord, how I wanted you to stay and never leave.
I love you Markie. I'm giving all I've got to make you proud. It doesn't come to me as easily as it came to you. I can't focus on much of anything yet. My heart hurts so bad. You would think that after all the bodily pain I've endured, I'd be able to handle this better. But no, this is something totally different. It's like someone has me by the throat while they're reaching in and tearing my heart from my chest. I open my mouth to scream, but nothing comes out. It's a silent scream that only I can hear and it's the worst sound ever. I keep asking God why... Why He didn't take me instead. Is it because Mattie needs me or is it because this is the worst punishment I must endure to pay for my sins? What happened to saying three Our Fathers and three Hail Mary's as penance? Yes, I know I'm not to question God's reasons, and I pray that He understands why I can't help myself.
Tommorrow marks one year since you passed away. Sometimes it feels like it's been an eternity and other times like it was just yesterday. No matter how long, your brother, sister and I will never fully recover from losing you, Markie. I'll bet you're surprised at just how much you mean to each of us. You are the glue in our family, son. I feel you working with Jesus to keep us together.
I love you all the way up to the sky. Mom
