Homecomings...

Thomas Wolfe wrote: "You can't go home again", and in many ways, that is very true. However, I have come home again, and though my parents, grandparents and some siblings are no longer with us, and many of my childhood memories have been altered over time, I am home, once again, in the truest sense.

There is a familiarity in my hometown that I have never found anywhere else I've lived. The faces of people and the landscape of my hometown may have changed, but the general sense of never feeling out of place permeates my being. There is a comfort in knowing that I still have family and friends here, as well.

Soon after moving back home, my brother and I hosted a small reunion that brought together family from the four borders of our country. It was an eclectic blend of personalities and a vast range of ages (preteen to 90) that promised to keep the party fresh and interesting, and it certainly did that. As one cannot know if it may be the last time this particular group will ever come together again, it made the reunion that much sweeter, especially for some of us "older" folk.

As many people know, my brother, Bill, is battling Emphysema (COPD) and cancer, and is now receiving hospice care. This is the main reason I was intent on moving home so quickly. I needed to be here for him. It has been both a wonderful time and a painful time wrapped together, as one can imagine, but a time that, most of all, I am so grateful for. We are making memories together that two siblings aren't often able to experience... memories that I will have long after he is gone.

In the past couple of weeks, my son, Matthew, and my nephew, Michael (Bill's son), have moved back to Superior, too. It's an amazing support group for not only my brother, but for each of us as well. Tonight my nephew and great nephew, Jim and Chris, are flying in for a few days before they go off to the Packer game at Lambeau on Sunday. My brother and I are so blessed to have all of these young men in our lives.

Tomorrow night, we are hoping to have a bonfire in Bill's backyard. My niece, Carolyn, will join us if she can. These bonfires are something my brother really enjoys, so we may have more than one while the boys are all here.

Over the past two plus months that I've been back home, my days have been filled with settling in and meeting with old friends, too. My friends have made this transition so much easier for me. I can never thank them enough for checking up on me, reminding me to laugh often and giving me a sense of belonging. It's rather foreign to get a phone call everyday from one or another of them and I love it! This kind of thing was not what I was use to in all the years I lived in Iowa and apart from my children and grandchildren, I was pretty lonely down there. I can blame no one but myself for that. It was what it was.

If I have one regret, it would be leaving my son, daughter and grandkids behind. That is the one piece of my broken heart that I feel everyday and I hope they can forgive me someday for selfishly thinking only of myself in making this move. Only time will tell if I did the right thing, but for now I keep reminding them how much I love them and that it is a mere 450 miles between us. Not an insurmountable distance that I plan to close as often as I can.

xxxJMBxxx

Weight loss, separation and going home

Anyone who has done even the slightest amount of networking with me knows that this past year has been a banner one for me personally. The changes going on in my life are huge, to say the least, and all of them are meant to prolong my life, if it's God's will, and to find some happiness that has been eluding me for too long.

Nine weeks ago, I had bariatric surgery and as of yesterday, I have lost 45 pounds since that surgery and 75 pounds in the past year total. I'm so grateful for this new tool I have now to lose the weight that has been hindering my health and lifestyle for so many years. I am more health-conscious now than I have ever been in my life, and as I continue to improve my health, it is also important for me to get my head and heart right as well, in an emotional sense.

That said, Bill and I have decided to separate and I am making plans to move home to Superior later this summer. After 24 years in Davenport, I can honestly say that I have never really felt totally at home here. Superior is my home and it's where I want to be for the time being. I look forward to spending more time with my brother, Bill, and son, Matt, along with my friends who I hold close to my heart.

Our separation is amicable, so you will not be hearing me tell stories of how I've been wronged or hurt. I have been married to this man for 32 years and whatever has gone on between us personally is no one's business but ours. I will say this, however... We had some good years together and that, along with the fact that he stepped up and was as good a dad as he could be to our children, will always deserve my respect.

As much as I look forward to returning to Superior, leaving here will be very difficult for me. My son, Mark and daughter, Amanda, and her family... my grandchildren, Adrianna, Brandon and Erik, will no longer be quite so much a physical part of my life. Thank heaven I know well the road that will lead me back to them now and then and I hope they will use that road as well.

It's a big step for a 60 year old woman to take on her own, but I'm ready for it. I'm hoping to become involved in promoting my hometown, possibly getting back to bowling and working on my family genealogy again. Most importantly, I want to spend as much time as I can with my brother. A few days just wasn't enough for me when I was there a couple of weeks ago.

So, start inboxing me on Facebook with your phone numbers if you'd like to get in touch when I'm back home. I truly cannot wait to see every one of you and catch up on everything I've missed all this time. I'll let you all know when I've settled in!

xxxJBDxxx

Time Flies

If there's only one thing we learn as we grow older, it's that time flies. One year ago, on June 3rd, 2014, I made the decision that food was not going to rule my life any longer. I sought out information on low carb, sugar-free, healthy eating plans and never looked back.

If someone had told me, one year ago today, that I would not only be going to the gym twice a day to workout, but actually looking forward to it, I would have laughed in their face. I'm beginning to understand now how some people actually become addicted to exercise and though I doubt I will ever achieve that, (and quite honestly, it's not one of my goals), I do love the rush I get when I finish my abs routine or step off of the treadmill.

This path has been the most difficult labor of love I have ever walked in my entire life. Were it not for my children, grandchildren, brothers and friends, I would not be writing this now. They (you) have lifted me up when I didn't have the willpower to move forward myself.

It's  been a momentous year, with many steps forward on my path and a few that went backwards, but without each and every one of those steps, I don't believe I would have the confidence to do all that I am able to do now.

I have several more goals to work on, and I'm excited about achieving each one. Only hard work and the will to move forward will get me there. Oh, and staying happy... that is something I simply have to do everyday..

xxxJBDxxx

5 Days of Bliss

I haven't ventured outside of my current living situation for several years, but last week I traveled, with my granddaughter, back to God's Country and my true home. On Tuesday, Adrianna and I packed up the car and hit the road for Superior. My mission was to spend some quality time with Adrianna, my brother Bill, my son Matthew, my nephew Mike and my uncle Bill Holmes. I also had the chance to connect with an old high school friend. Thanks Paulie for the fun afternoon. You owe me a rematch in cribbage, Mister! LOL

There's nothing that smells so good as Lake Superior, especially when you haven't been near her in many years. Adrianna and I drove out Mocassin Mike road to Wisconsin Point one afternoon. It was cold outside, the wind was bitter and it was drizzling out. I didn't care. I was home. We took some pictures as I reminisced about the days when my kids were young, having bonfires right there on the beach. They were wonderful times.

I think we managed to hit nearly every restaurant in town. Breakfasts at Kitches and the Billings Park Café, lunches at Appleby's and Aces on 29th, dinners at Grizzly's, VIP Pizza and Barker's Island. We also stopped in to the new candy store, Sweeden Sweets. Thank heaven I no longer eat candy. I would have bought out the place!

We traveled the streets of Superior everyday, memories flooding back of days gone by. Adrianna had her history lesson in living color, that's for sure.  She saw the places her mom grew up, the spots where the schools use to stand and the gravestones of her ancestors. We took a guided tour of Cathedral Church. I grew up going to church there 6 days a week from grades 1 - 9. The restorations they have done are stunning, but it broke my heart just a little to find out they no longer use the choir loft. Oh my word, the hours and hours that Ann Kimmes and I spent up there, singing for masses and funerals. Extraordinary memories.

Spending time with my family was the best part of our trip. I had missed my brother so much that I didn't want to leave. I promised him that I would be back much sooner next time. We got lucky one night, as the weather turned nice for a moment, so we had a bonfire in my brother's backyard. At dusk, as usual, the mosquitoes came out in droves, so we bid each other good night and retreated to the hotel. Seeing son Matt and nephew Michael was sweet. Hopefully next time, Mark will be with us, too. My Uncle Bill turned 90 years old on Thursday and I swear he just doesn't age. I'm so grateful for the close relationship he and I have forged over the past 20 years or so.

It was tough packing up and leaving on Saturday. For me, there's no place on earth I love more than my hometown. I shed a few tears as we drove out of town and vowed that I would be back again soon. After all, I have a mountain of friends there to spend time with, as well. I know they all understand that I needed this past week mainly for family time.

So, this was my amazing, awesome week. One last note... my granddaughter, Adrianna, was one of the best traveling companions I've ever had. Thanks for the good time, laughs and talks, Punkin. Love you all the way up to the sky!

xxxJBDxxx

Starting Week 5 - Update

It's hard for me to comprehend that I have already had my surgery. I see the difference as my body changes almost daily, but the struggle to get to that surgery seemed insurmountable at the time, yet here I am - living my dream.

In the past month, I have lost a total of 32.5 pounds. Since June 2014, I am over 60 pounds down and yes, it is noticeable to those who see me most everyday. My face is thinning. I have pants that literally fall off my behind. Because of the hernia repair, I no longer have a large baseball-sized lump near my belly button and that, to me, is the most noticeable thing ever. My tummy may still be fat, but it's flat now and I'm loving it!

One of my greatest accomplishments is that I am no longer on any pain medications. One year ago, I was swallowing up to 5000mg of Ibuprofen per day... no that is not a typo... 5000mg. True that I had some cortisone pumped into my shoulder a couple weeks ago, and that definitely has contributed to my wellbeing at present, but what about the pain in my knees and just about every other joint in my body? Nope, it's amazing how weight loss can eliminate pain that way.

A friend of mine contacted me this past week to say they are seriously considering gastric bypass. I know that my way isn't always the right way for everyone, but I strongly urged my friend to get started and see if it was right for her. She's 20 years younger than me and let me tell you, had I known at that age what I know now, I wouldn't have waited another moment to be where I am now in this life changing position.

Yes, it's hard work. In fact, it's probably the hardest thing I've ever done for myself in 60 years. I've had to overcome the head games, which to be honest, are a daily battle. Never mind the detractors that surround us, such as people who do not want to see us succeed. That's hard for sure, but the worst is the dialog that goes on in our own heads. Staying positive is essential to succeeding, yet have any of us ever known anyone who is positive 100% of the time? 

I went on a bit of a pity-party earlier this week. We're all entitled to those occasionally, right? At least, that's what I have always told myself. Well, I have another friend who is intent on holding me accountable and simply will not put up with my pity-parties for more than maybe 2 seconds. That friend can't even begin to know how much it means to me that they care that much about me. Pity-parties get us nowhere positive. They simply feed the head games that we need to fight.

I have one aunt and one uncle left in this life and this week, I spoke to each of them. They are both 89 years old and I am forever grateful to have such loving relationships with them. A year ago, I never thought I'd say this, but I would love to live to 89 years old and continue to have loving relationships with all the special people in my life... and EVERY person in my life is special. Like everyone else, I'm not certain how long I have on this earth, but you can bet your bottom dollar that I am going to make every moment of my time count.

Let's make it great!

xxxJBDxxx

Week 3 - Update

I've finally made it through the 2-week liquid diet that followed my surgery. It went quickly and pretty much was a breeze. My main concern during that time was getting my protein in everyday and getting rid of the gas pocket that lingered in my right side for about a week after I got home from hospital. Strangely enough, that was the only pain I felt. I had 5 main incisions and not a one of them bothered me at all. Counting myself very lucky.

I'm well into my 3rd week since my surgery and there has been great progress in that time.  My 20 staples came out on Tuesday and I was told I was a star patient. Sixteen days out from surgery and I am down 25.5 pounds. Yesterday I saw an orthopedic doctor and had two cortisone shots in my left shoulder. For the first time in 15 years, I have no pain there either.

As I sat watching GMA this morning, chewing on my milk-soaked Rice Krispies, it dawned on me that this is what it feels like to truly feel happiness. There is a joy inside of me that I haven't experienced in a long time. A smile covered my face without my even knowing I was doing it for a few moments.

Food is no longer my captor and I really like going to the gym to exercise. I am making plans for my future again... big plans! Why? Because I can!! Everyday is a blessing from God and I plan to make the best of every moment of it. My excitement overwhelms me at times, but after 10 long years of being shutdown, I think I'm entitled to all the excitement I can handle.

I do hope that my blogging about my current experiences following bariatric surgery won't bore you all to bits. I need to do this for me, actually, to keep myself accountable and to leave a record of my journey, as well. And, if one little bit of my journey inspires even one person, that in itself is all I could hope for.

xxxJBDxxx

I'm on the Loser's Bench! Week 1 - Update

I've been wanting to write about my progress following gastric bypass surgery. The trouble with that is I am on some pretty strong medications and I find myself falling asleep at the drop of a hat. I'm not complaining, because it's been my experience that, when in pain, sleep it off. No problem. That's what I've been doing.

I would like to say that there is nothing easy about this process, and for the most part, that is true. I am finding in the initial stage, though, that I don't miss food at all. I'm on an all liquid diet for the next two weeks and have come up with some tasty things to fill that need. The thing is, just one or two small bites of Jello and chicken broth, and I'm pretty much good to go. I drink a small serving of a protein shake - three times a day, and those too, are very filling.

The hard part is the residual pain right now. It's mostly due to the air and gas that they pump into you during surgery and getting it out is no easy trick. It's happening though, so I am managing to improve the pain part a little more each day.

My doctor gave me a pretty impressive battle scar, I must say. The bypass itself was accomplished through four small laparoscopic incisions, which are held together with staples and are healing quickly. My fifth incision, however, was created to repair not one, but two umbilical hernias, and it has some interesting twists and turns around my belly button. This scar will merely add to my war stories. I never intended to wear a bikini again... though, I do plan to do some skinny dipping in the future, if the occasion presents itself. (Hey, I'm old, not dead!)

I'm really thankful for the timing on this surgery. The beginning of spring... my very favorite time of the year. It got into the high 70's the other day and I simply sat and listened to the cardinals singing to each other between flitting from tree to tree. I am constantly being reminded of all the simple, little things that are what really makes life wondrous and awesome.

My family has been amazing. My son and daughter stayed at the hospital all through my surgery and have kept real close tabs on me all week. That in itself has been quite the test for them, because on the very day that I had my surgery, their biological dad passed away as well. Talk about *when it rains, it pours*. My daughter, however, decided to put a rather unique spin on that, choosing to see it as something like *When God closes a door, He opens a window.*

My extended family and all of my friends have been awesome in keeping my spirits up. And my team of medical professionals are the best dang bunch around. Every one of them, including my primary doctor's assistant, have walked me through this past year with such amazing care, it truly humbles me. All I can say is thank you all so very much. I cannot wait to get going with my life again and seeing many of you in the future!

xxxJBDxxx

See You on the Other Side!

I have been dealing with a weight problem all of my life. Oh yes, I can hear some of you saying... "Who hasn't?"  Right?  Well, mine began at birth, weighing in for the first time at a whopping 12 pounds, 3 ounces. I have taken little comfort in the fact that I was NOT the biggest baby born in 1954 in Superior, WI. A childhood friend of mine holds that record. There was a short amount of time during my teens and into my twenties that I held onto a decent figure due to an illness I had in my early teens, but motherhood and a bad marriage had me putting on the pounds again in no time.

Tomorrow, I will take a step that will change my life forever in, God-willing, a very positive way. After 60 years of weight problems, I am hoping to soon be living life with an acceptable BMI and even more positively, as a person who is not dealing with possible diabetes or high blood pressure. It is not an easy path to travel. There may be times when I will question whether I made the right decision. It will definitely be a test of my fortitude and I am ready to face it.

A year and three months ago I was wishing that God would finally call me home, so that I would no longer be such an embarrassment to my family. They are, after all, my main reason for wanting to be here for years to come. My children and grandchildren, my brothers and their children, and my cousins are my everything, and I cannot wait to be in their lives in a more positive way. And all of my dear friends... these people have supported me in such an incredible way, it leaves me dumbfounded at times.

I have put my faith in God and my doctor to see me through this, one way or another. If it goes south, at least I tried to better myself, instead of becoming a burden to those I love. I'm excited about my future again for the first time in ten years! I just wish tomorrow would get here right now, so I could get started making new memories with everyone! I'm so ready to fill my spot on what bariatric patients refer to as the *Losers Bench*, dammit! Patience has never been one of my virtues. :p~~~~~~~

xoxJBDxox

Disappointment... or not.

We all suffer disappointments in our lives. I'm not talking about major things like losing a child or parent or spouse, or losing a job or your life savings to a scam or anything major. Just disappointments that can cause us to become depressed or ornery when they happen.

Today I was given a disappointment to deal with because of someone else's mistake. This gal called to tell me that she had scheduled my surgery date wrong, and was literally falling over herself because she felt so awful about it.

A year ago, I might have read her the riot act and spent the next month pissing and moaning about my misfortune. That was a year ago. In the split second following her telling me that my surgery would be pushed back 3 weeks, I made up my mind that there is no sense in crying over my disappointment.

I can be disappointed without making a big deal about it.  I can be disappointed without taking it out on that gal that made a mistake.  And after all, it was just a mistake.. something we all do from time to time, because we are human and not perfect.

I honestly don't know where all this wisdom suddenly came from. It's completely new to my character, believe me, but I'll take it and run with it, because It feels a whole lot better to smile and get past it, than to wallow in disappointment, like we so often see people do.

Surgery Reset: March 30th - 7:15 AM. I'll be there with bells on!

xxxJBDxxx

It's up to me

First let me say that if you have a negative opinion regarding weight loss surgery, feel free to close this page now and NOT leave any remark that might injure my delicate sensibilities at this time.
Thank you.

As many of you know, I began a journey this past year to get healthy for, well really, the first time in my life. Hearing a doctor tell you that you are diabetic and have emphysema, along with high blood pressure... it pretty much sucks the wind right out of your sails. I'm not going to mince words here. Some of these maladies were directly attributed to my obesity and I knew I had to step up to the plate (I don't mean the dinner plate) and get myself healthy.

Fast forward one year and here I am... 45 pounds lighter, a non-smoker and most importantly, beginning to live my life again. I kicked what I thought was my worst addiction (smoking) without even a whimper, but I found out that another of my addictions is food.

It's not so simple to kick a food addiction because we all need food in order to survive. Some would say I should just continue to follow the course I've been on, but that is much easier said than done. I cannot lose another 50 or 100 or more pounds on my own. I need a special tool to help me accomplish this goal, as much as anyone needs certain tools to do certain things.

My cardio-vascular doctor, way back in March of 2014, told me I had best consider bariatric surgery if I wanted to save my legs from amputation. I know I looked at him like he was speaking to me in Latin. No way could I afford an elective surgery, and so I shrugged off his suggestion. Imagine my surprise when I next visited my primary doctor and was told that it was quite possible that my insurance would indeed cover the surgery!

A lot of people are under the impression that this kind of surgery is an easy out for fat people. Nothing could be further from the truth. Hell, I haven't even had the surgery yet, and have jumped through so many hoops, it's unbelievable.

Starting next Monday, I will start a 2-week high protein, low carb diet plan... or pretty much what I've been following for the past 7 months.  LOL  At the end of those 2 weeks, on March 9th, I will be having gastric bypass surgery, otherwise known as Roux-en-Y surgery, coupled with a hernia repair. Ultimately, what this tool does is limit me from eating too much, though if I don't follow my training, I can stretch my pouch and regain the weight. This is a life-changing decision for me and one that I am so looking forward to achieving.

I have spent the past many months learning everything I can about this course of action I'm taking. I have not come to this decision lightly and I am more than aware that my journey will not be easy by any means. That being said, it is the right course for me. I so look forward to being able to walk for more than 10 minutes without my back and legs feeling like they're on fire. I'm so excited to go to my grandkids basketball games, or graduations or even their weddings one day perhaps. I can't wait to go home to Superior to see my brother and uncle and my many friends that are still there, and God willing, I will be at my 45th and 50th class reunions.

It's up to me and yes, I can do this!
xxxJBDxxx

Ramblings of an aging woman... Chapter 4

This seems an appropriate time to add a chapter to my story. I let these things go for too long at times, and forget that I don't have an infinite amount of time on this earth. That is to say that I don't often dwell on death. Truth be told, I have taken a great many steps this past year to hopefully prolong my life for say... another 20 years perhaps? LOL  It's in God's hands, I know, but a girl can dream, right?

One year ago to this very day, I quit smoking. It wasn't necessarily by choice for the first 5 days, but because I was in the hospital with no recourse but to abstain. However, once I got the verdict that I had emphysema/COPD and would need to be on oxygen, that pretty much sealed my fate. Oddly enough, I wasn't at all upset about not smoking, maybe because I was preoccupied with the thought of what lay ahead for me with regards to the function of my lungs. I knew I had been struggling for a couple years with my breathing, but chalked it up to simply being overweight.

You cannot imagine my surprise when, a week after getting home from the hospital, as I stepped out of the shower, I realized that I was not gasping for breath for the first time in years and it felt so damn great! I couldn't attribute it to the oxygen that had been delivered by the tankful a few days before, because I really hadn't been using it. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was no longer smoking and this is what it felt like to actually take a deep breath.

It's one year later. All of the oxygen tanks have been returned to the medical equipment company. I am still able to take deep breaths with little effort. I've dropped somewhere between 45 and 50 pounds and there is a treadmill waiting for me at Planet Fitness today. There is much more work to be done on myself, but I can now actually imagine my being here for another 20 years. God willing.

xxxJBDxxx