This life updated...

Heraclitus, the Greek philosopher said, “Change is the only constant in life.” This is a quote that I have liked in one form or another for quite a long time. In fact, I have decided to add it to my bucket list and have it tattooed on my arm. Over the past few months, my bucket list has become more and more important to me. Not because I'm now 65 years of age or because there's a lot more grey than mousy brown on my head. Wish that there might be. No, it's because for the entire first month of the Coronavirus, I laid in a hospital bed, tubes running into a piccline with two or three different chemical poisons that were hoped to kill a cancer that was attacking my bone marrow.
Today, I am back at home and officially in remission. I will continue to have chemo treatments for the time being and I will keep adding things to my bucket list. I will also wear a face mask when I am in public and wash my hands whenever I should. These things seem so small to me now after what I've been through. After all, I have my son to watch after still. It is he I fought to get well for. God gave me the miracle I asked for and I will not let Him down now. The number one entry on my bucket list? Seeing to it that my son out-lives me and I plan on sticking around for a good long time.

xxxJMBxxx

Life's Tragic Moments

It's so strange how life works. I've come to understand now, that while we're all busy making plans, God is moving forward with His own plans for us.
The weekend before Christmas, my grandson Brandon, my son Mark, and my daughter Amanda, came up to Superior to celebrate the holidays with my other son, Matthew, and me. It was a wonderful time of making memories.
Now fast forward a couple weeks and I've taken Matt to the ER. He was complaining of chest pain, so they did a CT scan. We weren't sure at the time why the ER doctor ordered a second scan, but we soon found out. The CT scan showed a large tumor on Matt's left kidney. The doctor ordered an appt with a urologist, where we learned that Matt had, in addition to the football-sized mass on his kidney, evidence of probable cancer cells in his liver, lung and lymph nodes. Within a few days, biopsies were done on his liver and lymph nodes and we were then sent to an oncologist. That was when our family's world was rocked to it's core.
As I write this, Matthew is in surgery to have a port put into his chest. This will be crucial to his comfort for however long he needs it. Immunotherapy will begin on Friday to hopefully shrink some, if not all, of the cancer cells. My son, my beautiful boy, is in for the fight of his life.
My emotions are as raw as the wind chill outside right now. As the full weight of Matt's diagnosis sunk in, it was somewhat of an out-of-body experience. I could hear and see the doctor, but it was like I was hovering over the scene, watching Matthew and myself.
"Stage 4 kidney cancer" keeps going through my mind, over and over again. I have taken to begging God for a miracle. "Please dear God, help my son! Give this cancer to me instead. Jesus, take the wheel!! Help us, Holy Spirit!"
Prayer is so powerful. Please keep Matthew and our family in your prayers. ♡

Homecomings...

Thomas Wolfe wrote: "You can't go home again", and in many ways, that is very true. However, I have come home again, and though my parents, grandparents and some siblings are no longer with us, and many of my childhood memories have been altered over time, I am home, once again, in the truest sense.

There is a familiarity in my hometown that I have never found anywhere else I've lived. The faces of people and the landscape of my hometown may have changed, but the general sense of never feeling out of place permeates my being. There is a comfort in knowing that I still have family and friends here, as well.

Soon after moving back home, my brother and I hosted a small reunion that brought together family from the four borders of our country. It was an eclectic blend of personalities and a vast range of ages (preteen to 90) that promised to keep the party fresh and interesting, and it certainly did that. As one cannot know if it may be the last time this particular group will ever come together again, it made the reunion that much sweeter, especially for some of us "older" folk.

As many people know, my brother, Bill, is battling Emphysema (COPD) and cancer, and is now receiving hospice care. This is the main reason I was intent on moving home so quickly. I needed to be here for him. It has been both a wonderful time and a painful time wrapped together, as one can imagine, but a time that, most of all, I am so grateful for. We are making memories together that two siblings aren't often able to experience... memories that I will have long after he is gone.

In the past couple of weeks, my son, Matthew, and my nephew, Michael (Bill's son), have moved back to Superior, too. It's an amazing support group for not only my brother, but for each of us as well. Tonight my nephew and great nephew, Jim and Chris, are flying in for a few days before they go off to the Packer game at Lambeau on Sunday. My brother and I are so blessed to have all of these young men in our lives.

Tomorrow night, we are hoping to have a bonfire in Bill's backyard. My niece, Carolyn, will join us if she can. These bonfires are something my brother really enjoys, so we may have more than one while the boys are all here.

Over the past two plus months that I've been back home, my days have been filled with settling in and meeting with old friends, too. My friends have made this transition so much easier for me. I can never thank them enough for checking up on me, reminding me to laugh often and giving me a sense of belonging. It's rather foreign to get a phone call everyday from one or another of them and I love it! This kind of thing was not what I was use to in all the years I lived in Iowa and apart from my children and grandchildren, I was pretty lonely down there. I can blame no one but myself for that. It was what it was.

If I have one regret, it would be leaving my son, daughter and grandkids behind. That is the one piece of my broken heart that I feel everyday and I hope they can forgive me someday for selfishly thinking only of myself in making this move. Only time will tell if I did the right thing, but for now I keep reminding them how much I love them and that it is a mere 450 miles between us. Not an insurmountable distance that I plan to close as often as I can.

xxxJMBxxx

Weight loss, separation and going home

Anyone who has done even the slightest amount of networking with me knows that this past year has been a banner one for me personally. The changes going on in my life are huge, to say the least, and all of them are meant to prolong my life, if it's God's will, and to find some happiness that has been eluding me for too long.

Nine weeks ago, I had bariatric surgery and as of yesterday, I have lost 45 pounds since that surgery and 75 pounds in the past year total. I'm so grateful for this new tool I have now to lose the weight that has been hindering my health and lifestyle for so many years. I am more health-conscious now than I have ever been in my life, and as I continue to improve my health, it is also important for me to get my head and heart right as well, in an emotional sense.

That said, Bill and I have decided to separate and I am making plans to move home to Superior later this summer. After 24 years in Davenport, I can honestly say that I have never really felt totally at home here. Superior is my home and it's where I want to be for the time being. I look forward to spending more time with my brother, Bill, and son, Matt, along with my friends who I hold close to my heart.

Our separation is amicable, so you will not be hearing me tell stories of how I've been wronged or hurt. I have been married to this man for 32 years and whatever has gone on between us personally is no one's business but ours. I will say this, however... We had some good years together and that, along with the fact that he stepped up and was as good a dad as he could be to our children, will always deserve my respect.

As much as I look forward to returning to Superior, leaving here will be very difficult for me. My son, Mark and daughter, Amanda, and her family... my grandchildren, Adrianna, Brandon and Erik, will no longer be quite so much a physical part of my life. Thank heaven I know well the road that will lead me back to them now and then and I hope they will use that road as well.

It's a big step for a 60 year old woman to take on her own, but I'm ready for it. I'm hoping to become involved in promoting my hometown, possibly getting back to bowling and working on my family genealogy again. Most importantly, I want to spend as much time as I can with my brother. A few days just wasn't enough for me when I was there a couple of weeks ago.

So, start inboxing me on Facebook with your phone numbers if you'd like to get in touch when I'm back home. I truly cannot wait to see every one of you and catch up on everything I've missed all this time. I'll let you all know when I've settled in!

xxxJBDxxx

Time Flies

If there's only one thing we learn as we grow older, it's that time flies. One year ago, on June 3rd, 2014, I made the decision that food was not going to rule my life any longer. I sought out information on low carb, sugar-free, healthy eating plans and never looked back.

If someone had told me, one year ago today, that I would not only be going to the gym twice a day to workout, but actually looking forward to it, I would have laughed in their face. I'm beginning to understand now how some people actually become addicted to exercise and though I doubt I will ever achieve that, (and quite honestly, it's not one of my goals), I do love the rush I get when I finish my abs routine or step off of the treadmill.

This path has been the most difficult labor of love I have ever walked in my entire life. Were it not for my children, grandchildren, brothers and friends, I would not be writing this now. They (you) have lifted me up when I didn't have the willpower to move forward myself.

It's  been a momentous year, with many steps forward on my path and a few that went backwards, but without each and every one of those steps, I don't believe I would have the confidence to do all that I am able to do now.

I have several more goals to work on, and I'm excited about achieving each one. Only hard work and the will to move forward will get me there. Oh, and staying happy... that is something I simply have to do everyday..

xxxJBDxxx

5 Days of Bliss

I haven't ventured outside of my current living situation for several years, but last week I traveled, with my granddaughter, back to God's Country and my true home. On Tuesday, Adrianna and I packed up the car and hit the road for Superior. My mission was to spend some quality time with Adrianna, my brother Bill, my son Matthew, my nephew Mike and my uncle Bill Holmes. I also had the chance to connect with an old high school friend. Thanks Paulie for the fun afternoon. You owe me a rematch in cribbage, Mister! LOL

There's nothing that smells so good as Lake Superior, especially when you haven't been near her in many years. Adrianna and I drove out Mocassin Mike road to Wisconsin Point one afternoon. It was cold outside, the wind was bitter and it was drizzling out. I didn't care. I was home. We took some pictures as I reminisced about the days when my kids were young, having bonfires right there on the beach. They were wonderful times.

I think we managed to hit nearly every restaurant in town. Breakfasts at Kitches and the Billings Park Café, lunches at Appleby's and Aces on 29th, dinners at Grizzly's, VIP Pizza and Barker's Island. We also stopped in to the new candy store, Sweeden Sweets. Thank heaven I no longer eat candy. I would have bought out the place!

We traveled the streets of Superior everyday, memories flooding back of days gone by. Adrianna had her history lesson in living color, that's for sure.  She saw the places her mom grew up, the spots where the schools use to stand and the gravestones of her ancestors. We took a guided tour of Cathedral Church. I grew up going to church there 6 days a week from grades 1 - 9. The restorations they have done are stunning, but it broke my heart just a little to find out they no longer use the choir loft. Oh my word, the hours and hours that Ann Kimmes and I spent up there, singing for masses and funerals. Extraordinary memories.

Spending time with my family was the best part of our trip. I had missed my brother so much that I didn't want to leave. I promised him that I would be back much sooner next time. We got lucky one night, as the weather turned nice for a moment, so we had a bonfire in my brother's backyard. At dusk, as usual, the mosquitoes came out in droves, so we bid each other good night and retreated to the hotel. Seeing son Matt and nephew Michael was sweet. Hopefully next time, Mark will be with us, too. My Uncle Bill turned 90 years old on Thursday and I swear he just doesn't age. I'm so grateful for the close relationship he and I have forged over the past 20 years or so.

It was tough packing up and leaving on Saturday. For me, there's no place on earth I love more than my hometown. I shed a few tears as we drove out of town and vowed that I would be back again soon. After all, I have a mountain of friends there to spend time with, as well. I know they all understand that I needed this past week mainly for family time.

So, this was my amazing, awesome week. One last note... my granddaughter, Adrianna, was one of the best traveling companions I've ever had. Thanks for the good time, laughs and talks, Punkin. Love you all the way up to the sky!

xxxJBDxxx

Starting Week 5 - Update

It's hard for me to comprehend that I have already had my surgery. I see the difference as my body changes almost daily, but the struggle to get to that surgery seemed insurmountable at the time, yet here I am - living my dream.

In the past month, I have lost a total of 32.5 pounds. Since June 2014, I am over 60 pounds down and yes, it is noticeable to those who see me most everyday. My face is thinning. I have pants that literally fall off my behind. Because of the hernia repair, I no longer have a large baseball-sized lump near my belly button and that, to me, is the most noticeable thing ever. My tummy may still be fat, but it's flat now and I'm loving it!

One of my greatest accomplishments is that I am no longer on any pain medications. One year ago, I was swallowing up to 5000mg of Ibuprofen per day... no that is not a typo... 5000mg. True that I had some cortisone pumped into my shoulder a couple weeks ago, and that definitely has contributed to my wellbeing at present, but what about the pain in my knees and just about every other joint in my body? Nope, it's amazing how weight loss can eliminate pain that way.

A friend of mine contacted me this past week to say they are seriously considering gastric bypass. I know that my way isn't always the right way for everyone, but I strongly urged my friend to get started and see if it was right for her. She's 20 years younger than me and let me tell you, had I known at that age what I know now, I wouldn't have waited another moment to be where I am now in this life changing position.

Yes, it's hard work. In fact, it's probably the hardest thing I've ever done for myself in 60 years. I've had to overcome the head games, which to be honest, are a daily battle. Never mind the detractors that surround us, such as people who do not want to see us succeed. That's hard for sure, but the worst is the dialog that goes on in our own heads. Staying positive is essential to succeeding, yet have any of us ever known anyone who is positive 100% of the time? 

I went on a bit of a pity-party earlier this week. We're all entitled to those occasionally, right? At least, that's what I have always told myself. Well, I have another friend who is intent on holding me accountable and simply will not put up with my pity-parties for more than maybe 2 seconds. That friend can't even begin to know how much it means to me that they care that much about me. Pity-parties get us nowhere positive. They simply feed the head games that we need to fight.

I have one aunt and one uncle left in this life and this week, I spoke to each of them. They are both 89 years old and I am forever grateful to have such loving relationships with them. A year ago, I never thought I'd say this, but I would love to live to 89 years old and continue to have loving relationships with all the special people in my life... and EVERY person in my life is special. Like everyone else, I'm not certain how long I have on this earth, but you can bet your bottom dollar that I am going to make every moment of my time count.

Let's make it great!

xxxJBDxxx